Joke thread!

Polls, funny pictures, jokes, must-see websites, personal announcements, you name it...

Joke thread!

Postby Mbwun » Thu Jan 25, 2007 7:52 pm

Oh Poo!

One Sunday morning at the breakfast table, a little girl asks her father "Daddy, where does poo come from?" Although he is a little perturbed that his daughter is asking awkward questions, he decides that after all it is only natural and there's no point being anything but truthful. So, he thinks for a moment and says:

"Well, you know how we just ate breakfast?"

"Yes," answers the little girl.

"Well the food goes into our tummies and our bodies take out all the good stuff," explains the father, "then whatever is left comes out of our bums when we go to the toilet, and that is called poo."

The little girl looks shocked, and stares at him in stunned silence for a few seconds, before asking

"What about Tigger?"
How hard can it be? - Jeremy Clarkson
Make no mistake, this is a Supercar. Looks good .. goes fast .. nothing else matters. - Jeremy Clarkson

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Postby MarylandManson » Thu Jan 25, 2007 8:20 pm

Speaking of bears...

A man walks through the woods and spots a hungry-looking bear running toward him. The man runs to a nearby tree and climbs upward. The bear reaches the tree, then spends several minutes shaking it. Unable to dislodge its dinner, the bear shambles off.

After a few minutes, the man decides the coast is clear. He descends and gets a few paces away from the tree. Then he spots the same hungry-looking bear running toward him--and this time the bear has brought along another hungry-looking bear. The man runs to the tree and again climbs upward. The bears reach the tree, then spend several minutes shaking it. Unable to dislodge their dinner, the bears shamble off.

After a few minutes, the man decides the coast is clear. He descends and gets a few paces away from the tree. Then he spots the same hungry-looking bears running toward him--and this time the bears have brought along a beaver.
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Postby j » Sat Jan 27, 2007 3:03 am

Cannibal Restaurant


A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant opened by a fellow cannibal. Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu...

Broiled Missionary: $10.00

Fried Explorer: $15.00

Baked Politician: $100.00

The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, "Why such a price difference for the politician?"

The cook replied "Have you ever tried to clean one? They're full of shit!"

:wink: j
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Postby Mbwun » Sat Jan 27, 2007 3:07 am

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

There's a 21 LOL salute for you two!!!
How hard can it be? - Jeremy Clarkson
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Postby j » Sat Jan 27, 2007 5:14 am

Why, thank you Mbwun! Guess we'll all have to come up with some more, eh?

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Postby Mbwun » Thu Feb 08, 2007 9:04 pm

Just got sent this in an e-mail, and I thought you guys might like it:

To the citizens of the United States of America

In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA
and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation
of your independence, effective immediately.

Her Sovereign Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II, will resume monarchical
duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories (except
Kansas , which she does not fancy), as from Monday next.

Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a governor for
America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate
will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to
determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the
following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.

Then look up "aluminium," and check the pronunciation guide.
You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been
pronouncing it.

2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour',
'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut'
without skipping half the letters, and the suffix "ize" will be
replaced by the suffix "ise."

3. You will learn that the suffix 'burgh' is pronounced 'burra';
you may elect to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you find you
simply can't cope with correct pronunciation.

4. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to
acceptable levels (look up "vocabulary"). Using the same
twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like"
and "you know" is unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.

5.There is no such thing as " US English." We will let Microsoft
know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to
take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize."

6. You will relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The
Queen", but only after fully carrying out Task #1 (see above).

7. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. November 2nd
will be a new national holiday, but to be celebrated only in
England . It will be called "Come-Uppance Day."

8. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns,
lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and
therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent.
Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough
to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist
then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

9. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry
anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be
required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

10. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is
for your own good. When we show you German cars, you
will understand what we mean.

11. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you
will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time,
you will go metric immediately and without the benefit of conversion
tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the
British sense of humour.

12. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have
been calling "gasoline") - roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.

13. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French
fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato
chips are properly called "crisps." Real chips are thick cut, fried in
animal fat, and dressed not with ketchup but with vinegar.

14. Waiters and waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive
with customers.

15. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not
actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be
referred to as "beer," and European brews of known and accepted
provenance will be referred to as "Lager." American brands will be
referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine," so that all can be sold
without risk of further confusion.

16. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors
as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors
to play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English
dialogue in "Four Weddings and a Funeral" was an experience akin to
having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

17. You will cease playing American "football." There is only one
kind of proper football; you call it "soccer". Those of you brave
enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some
similarities to American "football", but does not involve stopping
for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour
like a bunch of nancies).

18. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable
to host an event called the "World Series" for a game which is not
played outside of America . Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there
is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.

19. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

20. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her
Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the
acquisition of all monies due backdated to 1776.

Thank you for your co-operation.

John Cleese
How hard can it be? - Jeremy Clarkson
Make no mistake, this is a Supercar. Looks good .. goes fast .. nothing else matters. - Jeremy Clarkson

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Postby steelclaw32 » Fri Feb 09, 2007 1:32 am

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

OOOOHHHH nice one.!
I'd love to see their faces if they actually believed it . !
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Postby WaywardSoul » Fri Feb 09, 2007 3:05 pm

While I'm a fan of John Cleese, it needs to be pointed out that the British have many faults and flaws of their own.

For example: It's a little known fact that before the oral hygeinically challenged British got their hands on it, the toothbrush was originally called the "Teethbrush". :twisted:
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Postby Mbwun » Fri Feb 09, 2007 5:23 pm

LOL, and touche WS!

Glad you liked it steelclaw32!

ps. I thought you might.
How hard can it be? - Jeremy Clarkson
Make no mistake, this is a Supercar. Looks good .. goes fast .. nothing else matters. - Jeremy Clarkson

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Postby WaywardSoul » Fri Feb 09, 2007 6:28 pm

And just so my Canadian friends on the board don't feel left out:

An Englishman, a Canadian and an American were captured by terrorists.

The terrorist leader said, "Before we shoot you, you will be allowed last words. Please let me know what you wish to talk about."

The Englishman replied, "I wish to speak of loyalty and service to the Crown."

The Canadian replied, "Since you are involved in a question of national purpose, national identity, and secession, I wish to talk about the history of constitutional process in Canada, special status, distinct society and uniqueness within diversity."

The American replied, "Just shoot me before the Canadian starts talking." :twisted:
"Remember, there's a big difference between kneeling down and bending over." - Frank Zappa
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Postby PohlSE » Sat Feb 10, 2007 9:28 pm

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
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Postby EZ Rhino » Mon Feb 12, 2007 7:06 pm

A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters. The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while the lights would go out. Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.

However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom?"

The bartender replied, "OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf. "

"Well, in that case I'll just look the otherway," said the nun.

So, the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant. After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.

She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?"

"Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender, "would you like a drink?"

"But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun.

"You see," laughed the bartender, "every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out."
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Postby Mbwun » Mon Feb 12, 2007 7:40 pm

LOL EZ

They had one of those fig leaf guys in the women's restroom at a restaurant that used to be in Vancouver called "Frank Baker's Attic" - but in that case alarms went off in the restaurant when someone lifted the leaf. Baker also had one of the Astin Martins used in the Connery Bond films on display at the restaurant.

Here's some great telephone answering machine messages:

Real Answering Machine Messages

(If you make it through this without cracking up completely, you’re better’n me.)

WE ARE BORG. RESISTANCE IS FUTILE. YOU WILL BE ASSIMILATED. But we're not home right now. So leave a message at the tone, and we'll assimilate you later.

Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.

Hello, this is Ron's toaster. Ron's new answering machine is in the shop for repairs, so please leave your message when the toast is done... (Cachunk!)

Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.

Hello, this is KVKE, you're on the air. (or) Hello, you're caller number nine!

(Very fast:) Hi, this is 904-4344. If you want to leave a message, please wait for the tone. If you want to leave your name and number, please press pound, press 3, then dial your name, then press 6 and dial your number. If you want to leave your name and just a message, press star, press 6, ask for extension 4443, then leave your name and message. If you want to leave your number and the time you called, please press star twice, spin in a circle, press 1 twice, talk loud and (BEEP)

'Ello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Leave your name and number, and prepare to die.

This is the Literacy Self Test Hotline. After the tone, leave your name and number, and recite a sentence using today's vocabulary word. Today's word is "supercilious".

Greetings, you have reached the Sixth Sense Detective Agency. We know who you are and what you want, so at the sound of the tone, please hang up.

I can't come to the phone now because alien beings are eating my brain. Leave a message anyway, and after the alien beings assume my shape, one of them will get back to you.

I can't come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel stupid talking to people I don't remember. I'd appreciate it if you could help me out by leaving my name and telling me something about myself. Thanks.

Thank you for calling the CSU Automated Hearing Test Line. Prepare for Test 1. Is this tone louder in your left ear or right ear? ... BEEP

(Rod Serling imitation:) You're dazed, bewildered, trapped in a world without time, where sound collides with color and shadows explode. You see a signpost up ahead -- this is no ordinary telephone answering device... You have reached, "The Twilight Phone".

Thank you for calling 434-2322. If you wish to speak to Tim, push 1 on your touch tone phone now. If you wish to speak to Lynn, push 2 on your touch tone phone now. If you have a wrong number, push 3 on your touch tone phone now. All of this button pushing doesn't do anything, but it is a good way to work off anger, and it makes us feel like we have a big time phone system.

(In a bored voice:) Heaven, God speaking...

Lucifer speaking. Who in hell do you want?

Thank you for calling the Metropolitan Church of the Holy Bible. Today's commandment is Number 6, Thou shalt not... er... Bear a... er... Shalt not witness thy... uh... Neighbor's, Oh, I mean, false... er... Shalt not commit a bear... Dern...

This is a test. This is a test of the Answering Machine Broadcast System. This is only a test.

I can't come to the phone now, so if, well, actually, I CAN come to the phone now, I mean, like, I'm at the phone NOW, recording this message, but I'm doing this NOW, while you're listening to it LATER, except for you I guess it's NOW, like, when you're listening to it... I mean, like, wait, gosh. This is so confusing.

(Recorded directly from AT&T) We're sorry, but the number you dialed is disconnected or no longer in service.

Hi, you've reached 340-2359. We're not peeb eht retfa egassem ruoy evael esaelp os ,won thgir emoh. gnillac rof uoy knahT.

The number you have reached, 226-0477, has been changed. The new number is 226-0477. Please make a note of it.

You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System. Your voice patterns are now being digitally encoded and stored for later use. Once this is done, our computers will be able to use the sound of YOUR voice for literally thousands of illegal and immoral purposes. There is no charge for this initial consultation. However our staff of professional extortionists will contact you in the near future to further explain the benefits of our service, and to arrange for your schedule of payment. Remember to speak clearly at the sound of the tone. Thank you.

(Klingon voice:) ANSWERING MACHINE. SPEAK.

You have reached the number you have dialed. Please leave a message after the beep.

Now I lay me down to sleep; Leave a message at the beep. If I die before I wake, Remember to erase the tape.

Hello, this is Sid. I've got a puppy in one hand and a Smith & Wesson .38 in the other. Leave a message or the puppy gets it.

My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.

Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right... real slowly. So leave a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth we'll get back to you.

A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So leave a message.

Hi. This is John. If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.

(Narrator's voice:) There Dale sits, reading a magazine. Suddenly the telephone rings! The bathroom explodes into a veritable maelstrom of toilet paper, with Dale in the middle of it, his arms windmilling at incredible speeds! Will he make it in time? Alas no, his valiant effort is in vain. The bell hath sounded. Thou must leave a message.

Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.

I'm sorry, the number you have reached is imaginary. Please rotate your phone 90 degrees and dial again.
How hard can it be? - Jeremy Clarkson
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Lizards

Postby WaywardSoul » Thu Feb 15, 2007 3:35 pm

Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.

Here's what happened:
Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was
"something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.

"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me.

"I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?"

I put my best lizard healer expression on my face and followed him
into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his
back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.

"Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!"

"Oh, my gosh!" my wife exclaimed. "She's having babies."

"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"

I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we
didn't want them to reproduce," I said accusingly to my wife.

"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she
inquired (I think she actually said this sarcastically!).

"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in my
most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth).

"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.

"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she
informed me (Again with the sarcasm!).

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on.
I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.

"Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience," I announced.
"We're about to witness the miracle of birth."

"Oh, gross!" they shrieked.

"Well, isn't THAT just great? What are we going to do with a litter
of tiny little lizard babies?" my wife wanted to know.

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a
tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.

"We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted. "It's breech,"
my wife whispered, horrified.

"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.

"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it
next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried
several more times with the same results.

"Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they
could talk us through the trauma."
(You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)

"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to the vet with
my son holding the cage in his lap. "Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.

"I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women
can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one
thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.).

The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the
little animal through a magnifying glass.

"What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically.

"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. And Mrs. Cameron, may I
speak to you privately for a moment?"

I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.

"Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labor. In
fact, that isn't EVER going to happen . . . Ernie is a boy. You see,
Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity,
like most male species, they um . . . Um . . . Masturbate. Just the
way he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife.

We were silent, absorbing this.

"So, Ernie's just . . . Just . . . Excited," my wife offered.

"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.

More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And
giggle. And then even laugh loudly.

"What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the
woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.

Tears were now running down her face. "It's just . . . That . .. .
I'm picturing you pulling on its . . . Its . . . Teeny little . . . "
She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.

"That's enough," I warned. We thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled
the lizard and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was
going to be okay.

"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you did, Dad," he told me.

"Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.

Two lizards: $140.

One cage: $50.

Trip to the vet: $30.

Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie: Priceless!

Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class. Lizards lay eggs.
"Remember, there's a big difference between kneeling down and bending over." - Frank Zappa
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Postby EZ Rhino » Thu Feb 15, 2007 4:53 pm

Nasty, WaywardSoul, nasty! :P

Here's another one:

A dangerous man decided to send George Bush a letter in his own handwriting, to let him know he was still in the game. Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a single line of coded
message:
370HSSV-0773H

Bush was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Condi Rice.
Condi and her aides had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI.
No one could solve it at the FBI, so it went to the CIA, then to the NSA.
With no clue as to its meaning, they eventually asked Britain’s MI-6 for
help. Within a few minutes MI-6 cabled the White House with this reply: “Tell the President he’s holding the message upside down!”
I wish the media would report more on public service and charity news instead of gossip. It is of much greater value. - Jackie Chan
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