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• View topic - Joke thread!

Joke thread!

Polls, funny pictures, jokes, must-see websites, personal announcements, you name it...

Postby dreab trawets » Fri Sep 11, 2009 11:19 am

“After my head has been chopped off, will I still be able to hear, at least for a moment , the sound of my own blood gushing from my neck? That would be the best pleasure to end all pleasure. “
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Postby Tautriadelta » Fri Sep 11, 2009 12:34 pm

Land of our birth,we pledge to thee
Our love and toil in the years to be;
When we are grown and take our place
As men and women of our race.
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Postby WaywardSoul » Fri Sep 11, 2009 2:40 pm

"Remember, there's a big difference between kneeling down and bending over." - Frank Zappa
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Postby Tautriadelta » Mon Sep 14, 2009 1:24 pm

continuing the countdown.......

5::: - WHAT IS BIG AND WHITE AND FOUND IN VANCOUVER? A LOST POLAR BEAR.
Canuck comeback: What’s black and blue and bloody all over? An American who’s made one too many Canadian jokes.

By now, we’ve heard all of the jokes about polar bears and seals freely roaming our streets, and frankly they’re starting to get old. For the record, we don’t live in igloos, we don’t consume twice our weight in whale blubber and we do not know your cousin Gord in Muskoka, your uncle Bob in Moose Jaw or your sister’s ex-boyfriend Danny in Scarborough. Although in all fairness, we do know your old roommate Chuck and the guy is a serious tool.

4:: HOW DO YOU GET 100 CANADIANS OUT OF A POOL ON THE HOTTEST SUMMER DAY? JUST YELL: "OK, EVERYONE OUT OF THE POOL."
Canuck comeback: How do you get a one-armed American out of a tree? Wave!

Canadians may be polite and law-abiding, but if there’s one thing we’re not, it’s dull. We’re a nation of hardy adventurers and steadfast explorers who make the most of our country’s rugged landscape and unsurpassed beauty. We swoosh down Whistler and Banff at breakneck speeds, we kayak through class-six rapids with breathtaking ease, and when the spirit moves us, we occasionally go over Niagara Falls in a wooden barrel.
Land of our birth,we pledge to thee
Our love and toil in the years to be;
When we are grown and take our place
As men and women of our race.
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Postby Mbwun » Mon Dec 21, 2009 9:32 pm

How hard can it be? - Jeremy Clarkson
Make no mistake, this is a Supercar. Looks good .. goes fast .. nothing else matters. - Jeremy Clarkson

Image
AMBITIOUS, BUT RUBBISH!
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Postby dreab trawets » Tue Dec 22, 2009 11:51 pm

Political Correctness

Dashing through the snow
In a one horse open sleigh
O'er the fields we go
Laughing all the way

A risk assessment must be submitted before an open sleigh is
considered safe for members of the public to travel on. The risk
assessment must also consider whether it is appropriate to use only one
horse for such a venture, particularly if passengers are of larger proportions. Please note, permission must be gained from landowners
before entering their fields. To avoid offending those not
participating in celebrations, we would request that laughter is
moderate only and not loud enough to be considered a noise nuisance.



While shepherds watched
Their flocks by night
All seated on the ground
The angel of the Lord came down
And glory shone around

The union of Shepherd's has complained that it breaches health and
safety regulations to insist that shepherds watch their flocks without
appropriate seating arrangements being provided, therefore benches,
stools and orthopaedic chairs are now available. Shepherds have also
requested that due to the inclement weather conditions at this time of
year that they should watch their flocks via cctv cameras from
centrally heated shepherd observation huts.
Please note, the angel of the lord is reminded that before shining
his / her glory all around she / he must ascertain that all shepherds have
been issued with glasses capable of filtering out the harmful effects
of UVA, UVB and Glory.
“After my head has been chopped off, will I still be able to hear, at least for a moment , the sound of my own blood gushing from my neck? That would be the best pleasure to end all pleasure. “
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Postby dreab trawets » Sat Feb 13, 2010 12:09 am

A farmer and his wife, on their way back home in January, are at the airport in New York awaiting their flight. They are dressed in heavy Boots, parka, scarf, mittens, etc..

An older American couple standing nearby are intrigued by their manner of dress.
The wife says to the husband: "Look at that couple. I wonder where they're from."
He replies: "How would I know?"
She counters: "You could go and ask them."
He says: "I don't really care. You want to know, you go and ask them."

She decides to do just that and walks over to the couple and asks, "Excuse me. Looking at your dress, I wondered where you're from."
The farmer replies: "Saskatoon, Saskatchewan".
The woman returns to her husband who asks: "So, where are they from?"
She replies: "I don't know. They don't speak English"
“After my head has been chopped off, will I still be able to hear, at least for a moment , the sound of my own blood gushing from my neck? That would be the best pleasure to end all pleasure. “
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dreab trawets
 
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Joined: Sun Jun 15, 2008 2:39 pm
Location: like someone had combined shrimp and tomato soup and then forgot to put the lid on the blender

Postby dreab trawets » Sat Feb 13, 2010 12:11 am

Murphy's' old lady had been pregnant for some time and now the time had come.

He brought her to the doctor and the doctor began to deliver the baby.

She had a little boy, and the doctor looked over at Murphy and said. 'Hey, Murph! You just had you a son,

'Ain't dat grand!! Murphy got excited by this, but just then the doctor spoke up and said, 'Hold on! We ain't finished yet!'

The doctor then delivered a little girl.

He said, 'Hey, Murph! You got you a daughter, !!!! She is a pretty lil ting, too....'

Murphy got kind of puzzled by this and then the doctor said, 'Hold on, we aint got done yet, !'

The doctor then delivered another boy and said, 'Murph, you just had yourself another boy, !'

Murphy said to the doctor, 'Doc, what caused all of dem babies,?'

The doctor said, 'You never know Murph, it was probably something that happened during conception.'

Murphy said, 'Ah yeah, during conception.'

When Murph and his wife went home with their three children, he sat down with his wife and said, 'Mama, you remember dat night that we ran out of Vaseline and we had to use dat dere 3-in-1 Oil.'

She said, 'Yeah, I remember dat night...'

Murph said, 'I'll tell you, ......it's a good ting we didn't use WD-40.
“After my head has been chopped off, will I still be able to hear, at least for a moment , the sound of my own blood gushing from my neck? That would be the best pleasure to end all pleasure. “
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Postby Slade » Tue Feb 23, 2010 8:08 pm

For all lovers of good writing, here are this year's winners of the Bulwer-Lytton contest, (aka "It Was a dark and Stormy Night" Contest) run by the English Department of San Jose State University, wherein one writes only the first line of a bad novel.

10. As a scientist, Throckmorton knew that if he were ever to break wind in the echo chamber, he would never hear the end of it.

9. Just beyond the Narrows , the river widens.

8. With a curvaceous figure that Venus would have envied, a tanned unblemished oval face framed with lustrous thick brown hair, deep azure-blue eyes fringed with long black lashes, perfect teeth that vied for competition, and a small straight nose, Marilee had a beauty that defied description.

7. Andre, a simple peasant, had only one thing on his mind as he crept along the East wall: "Andre creep... Andre creep...Andre creep."

6. Stanislaus Smedley, a man always on the cutting edge of narcissism, was about to give his body and soul to a back alley sex-change surgeon to become the woman he loved.

5. Although Sarah had an abnormal fear of mice, it did not keep her from eeking out a living at a local pet store.

4. Stanley looked quite bored and somewhat detached, but then penguins often do.

3. Like an over-ripe beefsteak tomato rimmed with cottage cheese, the corpulent remains of Santa Claus lay dead on the hotel floor.

2. Mike Hardware was the kind of private eye who didn't know the meaning of the word "fear"'; a man who could laugh in the face of danger and spit in the eye of death -- in short, a moron with suicidal tendencies.

AND THE WINNER IS...

1. The sun oozed over the horizon, shoved aside darkness, crept along the greensward, and, with sickly fingers, pushed through the castle window, revealing the pillaged princess, hand at throat, crown asunder, gaping in frenzied horror at the sated, sodden amphibian lying beside her, disbelieving the magnitude of the frog's deception, screaming madly, "You lied!"
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Postby Judy » Tue Mar 02, 2010 1:09 am

Yes, I liked the winner . . . but my runnerup would be the Santa Claus . . . :roll: :twisted: :lol:
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Postby dreab trawets » Tue Apr 13, 2010 10:27 pm

“After my head has been chopped off, will I still be able to hear, at least for a moment , the sound of my own blood gushing from my neck? That would be the best pleasure to end all pleasure. “
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Posts: 1820
Joined: Sun Jun 15, 2008 2:39 pm
Location: like someone had combined shrimp and tomato soup and then forgot to put the lid on the blender

Postby Wayne R. » Wed Apr 14, 2010 4:50 pm

Ladies and gents, I present for your consideration, a selection from the oft-overlooked 'Yorkshire Joke' category:

Yorkshireman: "Ayup, lad, I need to talk to thee about me cat."
Vet: "Is it a tom?
Yorkshireman: "Nay, I've browt it wi’ us."

A Yorkshireman's dog dies, and as it was a favourite pet he decides to have a gold statue made by a jeweller to remember the dog by.
Yorkshireman: "Can tha mek us a gold statue of yon dog?"
Jeweller: "Do you want it 18 carat?"
Yorkshireman: "Nay, I want it chewin' a bone yer daft bugger!"

A Yorkshireman's wife dies and the widower decides that her headstone should have the words "she were thine" engraved on it.
He calls the stonemason, who assures him that the headstone will be ready a few days after the funeral.
True to his word the stone mason calls the widower to say that the headstone is ready and would he like to come and have a look.
When the widower gets there he takes one look at the stone to see that it's been engraved "she were thin".
He explodes - "Bloody 'ell man, you've left the flamin’ "e" out, you've left the flamin’ "e" out!"
The stone mason apologises and assures the poor widower that it will be rectified the following morning.
Next day comes and the widower returns to the stone mason - "There you go sir, I've put the "e" on the stone for you".
The widower looks at the stone and then reads out aloud - "E, she were thin".

Bloke from Barnsley with a sore bum asks the chemist "Nah then lad, does tha sell arse cream?"
The Chemist replies "Aye, Magnum or Cornetto?"
"If the monkeys can't peel bananas, why teach them rocket science?" - Verbatim reply from a Deputy Director at my former employers' when asked about training.
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Postby i.am.sladist » Fri Apr 16, 2010 8:28 pm

I am Evil.
I am Woman.
I am Sladist.
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Postby dreab trawets » Fri Apr 16, 2010 8:56 pm

“After my head has been chopped off, will I still be able to hear, at least for a moment , the sound of my own blood gushing from my neck? That would be the best pleasure to end all pleasure. “
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dreab trawets
 
Posts: 1820
Joined: Sun Jun 15, 2008 2:39 pm
Location: like someone had combined shrimp and tomato soup and then forgot to put the lid on the blender

Postby dreab trawets » Fri Apr 16, 2010 11:09 pm

“After my head has been chopped off, will I still be able to hear, at least for a moment , the sound of my own blood gushing from my neck? That would be the best pleasure to end all pleasure. “
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dreab trawets
 
Posts: 1820
Joined: Sun Jun 15, 2008 2:39 pm
Location: like someone had combined shrimp and tomato soup and then forgot to put the lid on the blender

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