Joke thread!

Polls, funny pictures, jokes, must-see websites, personal announcements, you name it...

Postby dreab trawets » Fri Sep 11, 2009 11:19 am

An ugly fat woman, a gorgeous young hot blonde, an American man and a Canadian man are all riding together in a train car.

As the train passes through a tunnel, the distinctive sound of a loud slap is heard.

When they emerge from the tunnel, a bright red handprint is on the face of the American.

The fat woman thinks "that dirty American grabbed that blonde in the tunnel and she slapped him!"

The blonde thinks "that dirty American must have tried to grab me, but grabbed the fatso by mistake and she slapped him!"

The American thinks "that Canadian bastard felt up that blonde and she slapped me by mistake!"

The Canadian thinks "I can’t wait ’til we go through another tunnel so I can slap that stupid American again!"
“After my head has been chopped off, will I still be able to hear, at least for a moment , the sound of my own blood gushing from my neck? That would be the best pleasure to end all pleasure. “
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Postby Tautriadelta » Fri Sep 11, 2009 12:34 pm

LOL d.t, you really tickled my funny bone that was too much hihi, and just to complete your little info on cold I'll add this....

7:: - YOU KNOW YOU'RE FROM CANADA WHEN YOU THINK SEXY LINGERIE IS TUBE SOCKS AND A FLANNEL NIGHTIE WITH ONLY EIGHT BUTTONS.
Canuck comeback: You know you’re from America when you look at a map and can’t even find your own country.

A quick visit to Playboy’s website should remind anyone that Canada’s native daughters know a thing or two about sexy lingerie. Take Pamela Anderson for instance; the 11-time cover model introduced her very own line of intimate apparel in 2008; or how about Shannon Tweed and Tailor James? This sizzling pair of Canadian playmates has also supplemented their income over the years by schilling lacy underthings. Let’s face it; when you live in a climate as cold as ours, you learn a thing or two about heating up a bedroom.

and also for your pleasures...

6:: - WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A CANADIAN AND YOGOURT? AT LEAST THE YOGOURT HAS ITS OWN CULTURE.
Canuck comeback: Gandhi was once asked: "What do you think of American civilization?" He paused for a moment and replied: "I think that would be a good idea.”

Anyone who criticizes Canadian culture clearly hasn’t set foot within our borders. Tourists can revel in our vast infrastructure of museums and galleries or they can partake in our seemingly endless collection of festivals and cultural events. From the spirited Highland Games in rural Nova Scotia to the Folk Music Festival in Vancouver, our home and native land literally has something for everyone (especially those who enjoy watching men in kilts throw telephone poles).
Land of our birth,we pledge to thee
Our love and toil in the years to be;
When we are grown and take our place
As men and women of our race.
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Postby WaywardSoul » Fri Sep 11, 2009 2:40 pm

Stereotyping The British

There are four kinds of people in the UK -

First, there were the Scots who kept the Sabbath - and everything else they could lay their hands on.

Then there were the Welsh - who prayed on their knees and their neighbors.

Thirdly there were the Irish who never knew what they wanted - but were willing to fight for it anyway.

Lastly there were the English who considered themselves self-made men, - thus relieving the Almighty of a terrible responsibility.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A Texan, a Canadian, and a guy from Michigan are out riding horses. The Texan pulls out an expensive bottle of whiskey, takes a shot, then another, and suddenly throws the bottle in the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the bottle in mid air. The Canadian looks at him and says, "What are you doing?! That was a perfectly good bottle of whiskey!" The Texan says, "In Texas, there's plenty of whiskey and bottles are cheap."
A while later, not wanting to be outdone, the Canadian pulls out a bottle of champagne, takes a few sips, throws the bottle in the air, pulls out his gun and shoots it. The guy from Michigan can't believe this and says, "What did you do that for? That was an expensive bottle of Champagne!"
The Canadian says "In Canada there's plenty of Champagne and bottles are cheap."
So a while later the guy from Michigan pulls out a bottle of beer. He opens it, takes a sip, takes another sip, and then chugs the rest. He then puts the bottle back in his saddlebag, pulls out his gun, turns around and shoots the Canadian.
The Texan, shocked, says, "Why did you do that?"
The guy from Michigan says, "Well, in Michigan, we have plenty of Canadians, but bottles are worth a dime."
"Remember, there's a big difference between kneeling down and bending over." - Frank Zappa
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Postby Tautriadelta » Mon Sep 14, 2009 1:24 pm

continuing the countdown.......

5::: - WHAT IS BIG AND WHITE AND FOUND IN VANCOUVER? A LOST POLAR BEAR.
Canuck comeback: What’s black and blue and bloody all over? An American who’s made one too many Canadian jokes.

By now, we’ve heard all of the jokes about polar bears and seals freely roaming our streets, and frankly they’re starting to get old. For the record, we don’t live in igloos, we don’t consume twice our weight in whale blubber and we do not know your cousin Gord in Muskoka, your uncle Bob in Moose Jaw or your sister’s ex-boyfriend Danny in Scarborough. Although in all fairness, we do know your old roommate Chuck and the guy is a serious tool.

4:: HOW DO YOU GET 100 CANADIANS OUT OF A POOL ON THE HOTTEST SUMMER DAY? JUST YELL: "OK, EVERYONE OUT OF THE POOL."
Canuck comeback: How do you get a one-armed American out of a tree? Wave!

Canadians may be polite and law-abiding, but if there’s one thing we’re not, it’s dull. We’re a nation of hardy adventurers and steadfast explorers who make the most of our country’s rugged landscape and unsurpassed beauty. We swoosh down Whistler and Banff at breakneck speeds, we kayak through class-six rapids with breathtaking ease, and when the spirit moves us, we occasionally go over Niagara Falls in a wooden barrel.
Land of our birth,we pledge to thee
Our love and toil in the years to be;
When we are grown and take our place
As men and women of our race.
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Postby Mbwun » Mon Dec 21, 2009 9:32 pm

An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand pulling a male
buffalo with the other.

He says to the waiter: 'Want coffee.'

The waiter says, 'Sure, Chief. Coming right up.' He gets the Indian a tall
mug of coffee.

The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts the buffalo
with the shotgun, causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere and
then just walks out.

The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand,
pulling another male buffalo with the other. He walks up to the counter and
says to The waiter 'Want coffee.'

The waiter says 'Whoa, Tonto! We're still cleaning up your mess from
yesterday. What was all that about, anyway?'

The Indian smiles and proudly says, 'Training for position in Canadian
Government. Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess for others to
clean up, disappear for rest of day.
How hard can it be? - Jeremy Clarkson
Make no mistake, this is a Supercar. Looks good .. goes fast .. nothing else matters. - Jeremy Clarkson

Image
AMBITIOUS, BUT RUBBISH!
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Postby dreab trawets » Tue Dec 22, 2009 11:51 pm

Political Correctness

Dashing through the snow
In a one horse open sleigh
O'er the fields we go
Laughing all the way

A risk assessment must be submitted before an open sleigh is
considered safe for members of the public to travel on. The risk
assessment must also consider whether it is appropriate to use only one
horse for such a venture, particularly if passengers are of larger proportions. Please note, permission must be gained from landowners
before entering their fields. To avoid offending those not
participating in celebrations, we would request that laughter is
moderate only and not loud enough to be considered a noise nuisance.



While shepherds watched
Their flocks by night
All seated on the ground
The angel of the Lord came down
And glory shone around

The union of Shepherd's has complained that it breaches health and
safety regulations to insist that shepherds watch their flocks without
appropriate seating arrangements being provided, therefore benches,
stools and orthopaedic chairs are now available. Shepherds have also
requested that due to the inclement weather conditions at this time of
year that they should watch their flocks via cctv cameras from
centrally heated shepherd observation huts.
Please note, the angel of the lord is reminded that before shining
his / her glory all around she / he must ascertain that all shepherds have
been issued with glasses capable of filtering out the harmful effects
of UVA, UVB and Glory.
“After my head has been chopped off, will I still be able to hear, at least for a moment , the sound of my own blood gushing from my neck? That would be the best pleasure to end all pleasure. “
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Postby dreab trawets » Sat Feb 13, 2010 12:09 am

A farmer and his wife, on their way back home in January, are at the airport in New York awaiting their flight. They are dressed in heavy Boots, parka, scarf, mittens, etc..

An older American couple standing nearby are intrigued by their manner of dress.
The wife says to the husband: "Look at that couple. I wonder where they're from."
He replies: "How would I know?"
She counters: "You could go and ask them."
He says: "I don't really care. You want to know, you go and ask them."

She decides to do just that and walks over to the couple and asks, "Excuse me. Looking at your dress, I wondered where you're from."
The farmer replies: "Saskatoon, Saskatchewan".
The woman returns to her husband who asks: "So, where are they from?"
She replies: "I don't know. They don't speak English"
“After my head has been chopped off, will I still be able to hear, at least for a moment , the sound of my own blood gushing from my neck? That would be the best pleasure to end all pleasure. “
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Postby dreab trawets » Sat Feb 13, 2010 12:11 am

Murphy's' old lady had been pregnant for some time and now the time had come.

He brought her to the doctor and the doctor began to deliver the baby.

She had a little boy, and the doctor looked over at Murphy and said. 'Hey, Murph! You just had you a son,

'Ain't dat grand!! Murphy got excited by this, but just then the doctor spoke up and said, 'Hold on! We ain't finished yet!'

The doctor then delivered a little girl.

He said, 'Hey, Murph! You got you a daughter, !!!! She is a pretty lil ting, too....'

Murphy got kind of puzzled by this and then the doctor said, 'Hold on, we aint got done yet, !'

The doctor then delivered another boy and said, 'Murph, you just had yourself another boy, !'

Murphy said to the doctor, 'Doc, what caused all of dem babies,?'

The doctor said, 'You never know Murph, it was probably something that happened during conception.'

Murphy said, 'Ah yeah, during conception.'

When Murph and his wife went home with their three children, he sat down with his wife and said, 'Mama, you remember dat night that we ran out of Vaseline and we had to use dat dere 3-in-1 Oil.'

She said, 'Yeah, I remember dat night...'

Murph said, 'I'll tell you, ......it's a good ting we didn't use WD-40.
“After my head has been chopped off, will I still be able to hear, at least for a moment , the sound of my own blood gushing from my neck? That would be the best pleasure to end all pleasure. “
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Postby Slade » Tue Feb 23, 2010 8:08 pm

For all lovers of good writing, here are this year's winners of the Bulwer-Lytton contest, (aka "It Was a dark and Stormy Night" Contest) run by the English Department of San Jose State University, wherein one writes only the first line of a bad novel.

10. As a scientist, Throckmorton knew that if he were ever to break wind in the echo chamber, he would never hear the end of it.

9. Just beyond the Narrows , the river widens.

8. With a curvaceous figure that Venus would have envied, a tanned unblemished oval face framed with lustrous thick brown hair, deep azure-blue eyes fringed with long black lashes, perfect teeth that vied for competition, and a small straight nose, Marilee had a beauty that defied description.

7. Andre, a simple peasant, had only one thing on his mind as he crept along the East wall: "Andre creep... Andre creep...Andre creep."

6. Stanislaus Smedley, a man always on the cutting edge of narcissism, was about to give his body and soul to a back alley sex-change surgeon to become the woman he loved.

5. Although Sarah had an abnormal fear of mice, it did not keep her from eeking out a living at a local pet store.

4. Stanley looked quite bored and somewhat detached, but then penguins often do.

3. Like an over-ripe beefsteak tomato rimmed with cottage cheese, the corpulent remains of Santa Claus lay dead on the hotel floor.

2. Mike Hardware was the kind of private eye who didn't know the meaning of the word "fear"'; a man who could laugh in the face of danger and spit in the eye of death -- in short, a moron with suicidal tendencies.

AND THE WINNER IS...

1. The sun oozed over the horizon, shoved aside darkness, crept along the greensward, and, with sickly fingers, pushed through the castle window, revealing the pillaged princess, hand at throat, crown asunder, gaping in frenzied horror at the sated, sodden amphibian lying beside her, disbelieving the magnitude of the frog's deception, screaming madly, "You lied!"
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Postby Judy » Tue Mar 02, 2010 1:09 am

Yes, I liked the winner . . . but my runnerup would be the Santa Claus . . . :roll: :twisted: :lol:
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Postby dreab trawets » Tue Apr 13, 2010 10:27 pm

The thoughts of females......

1. A friend of mine confused her Valium with her birth control pills... she has 14 kids but she doesn't really care..

2. One of life's mysteries is how a 2-pound box of chocolates can make a woman gain 5 lbs.

3. My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely.

4. The best way to forget your troubles is to wear tight shoes.

5. The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don't know what you are doing, someone else does.

6. The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.

7. Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today...

8. Sometimes I think I understand everything, and then I regain consciousness.

9. I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing together and setting fire to my panties!

10. Amazing! You hang something in your closet, for a while, and it shrinks 2 sizes!

11. Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like...'You know sometimes I forget to eat!' .....Now, I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name, and my keys, but I have never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat!

12. The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing -- and then they marry him.

13. I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That's my idea of a perfect day!

And the riposte ???
“After my head has been chopped off, will I still be able to hear, at least for a moment , the sound of my own blood gushing from my neck? That would be the best pleasure to end all pleasure. “
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Postby Wayne R. » Wed Apr 14, 2010 4:50 pm

Ladies and gents, I present for your consideration, a selection from the oft-overlooked 'Yorkshire Joke' category:

Yorkshireman: "Ayup, lad, I need to talk to thee about me cat."
Vet: "Is it a tom?
Yorkshireman: "Nay, I've browt it wi’ us."

A Yorkshireman's dog dies, and as it was a favourite pet he decides to have a gold statue made by a jeweller to remember the dog by.
Yorkshireman: "Can tha mek us a gold statue of yon dog?"
Jeweller: "Do you want it 18 carat?"
Yorkshireman: "Nay, I want it chewin' a bone yer daft bugger!"

A Yorkshireman's wife dies and the widower decides that her headstone should have the words "she were thine" engraved on it.
He calls the stonemason, who assures him that the headstone will be ready a few days after the funeral.
True to his word the stone mason calls the widower to say that the headstone is ready and would he like to come and have a look.
When the widower gets there he takes one look at the stone to see that it's been engraved "she were thin".
He explodes - "Bloody 'ell man, you've left the flamin’ "e" out, you've left the flamin’ "e" out!"
The stone mason apologises and assures the poor widower that it will be rectified the following morning.
Next day comes and the widower returns to the stone mason - "There you go sir, I've put the "e" on the stone for you".
The widower looks at the stone and then reads out aloud - "E, she were thin".

Bloke from Barnsley with a sore bum asks the chemist "Nah then lad, does tha sell arse cream?"
The Chemist replies "Aye, Magnum or Cornetto?"
"If the monkeys can't peel bananas, why teach them rocket science?" - Verbatim reply from a Deputy Director at my former employers' when asked about training.
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Postby i.am.sladist » Fri Apr 16, 2010 8:28 pm

I don't really know if this falls under the topic of "Jokes" but WOW was this good for a laugh- especially for all those ex-lawyers that hang out on this forum ... ENJOY!!!

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
W ITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-one-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you sh-tt'in me?

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WIT N ESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you sh-tt'in me? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh...are you qualified to ask that question?

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
I am Evil.
I am Woman.
I am Sladist.
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Postby dreab trawets » Fri Apr 16, 2010 8:56 pm

They are class, thank you...
Best is the memory one..
On a par with what was said to me at a disciplinary hearing.....

Don't you know when your asleep...
“After my head has been chopped off, will I still be able to hear, at least for a moment , the sound of my own blood gushing from my neck? That would be the best pleasure to end all pleasure. “
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Postby dreab trawets » Fri Apr 16, 2010 11:09 pm

Time for cultural jokes…

The French

The French Government announced today that it is imposing a ban on the use of fireworks at Euro Disney.

The decision comes the day after a nightly fireworks display at the park, located just 30 miles outside of Paris, caused soldiers at a nearby French Army garrison to surrender to a group of Czech tourists.

A german joke, translated..

A German farmer with relatives in the US promised them some fresh pork sausages made by hand from his very own stock of pigs.
But as the weeks went by, they gave him a call to complain that the package had not yet arrived.
He told them, "Don't worry. The wurst is yet to come."

English joke.
First, God created the Irish. He said to himself, "These people are fun. They're very fun. But I *don't* want them to *ever* rule the world." So to handicap them, He gave them Whisky.
Then God created the Scots. He said to himself, "These people are almost as much fun as the Irish. But I don't want them to ever the world, either." So to handicap them, He gave them Kilts and Bagpipes.
Then God created the Welsh. He took one look at them, and said, "No way!!". So to handicap them, He gave them the Welsh Language.
Finally, God created the English. And for the smallest possible moment in time, He was worried. For he knew that these people would come closer to ruling the world than any of the others. So he realized that he needed to give them a great handicap. So He gave them ... the Irish, Scots, and Welsh.
“After my head has been chopped off, will I still be able to hear, at least for a moment , the sound of my own blood gushing from my neck? That would be the best pleasure to end all pleasure. “
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