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Postby Mbwun » Thu Dec 11, 2008 4:24 pm

OLD people have problems that you haven't even considered yet!

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.

'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.

'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing.'

The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbour?'

The old man replied, 'Yep, and none of us could get the jar open.'
How hard can it be? - Jeremy Clarkson
Make no mistake, this is a Supercar. Looks good .. goes fast .. nothing else matters. - Jeremy Clarkson

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The Halfwit

Postby WaywardSoul » Tue Dec 16, 2008 10:57 pm

The Halfwit

A man owned a small farm in Saskatchewan.

The Saskatchewan Provincial Wage & Hours Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him.
'I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,' demanded the agent.

'Well,' replied the farmer, 'there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board. The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $150 per week plus free room and board.


Then there's the halfwit. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.'


'That's the guy I want to talk to .. the halfwit,' says the agent.
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'That would be me,' replied the farmer.
"Remember, there's a big difference between kneeling down and bending over." - Frank Zappa
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Postby Wayne R. » Wed Dec 17, 2008 11:14 am

Sir Paul McCartney has healed the rift with Heather and bought her a new leg for Christmas.
It's not her main present...

...Just a stocking filler.
"If the monkeys can't peel bananas, why teach them rocket science?" - Verbatim reply from a Deputy Director at my former employers' when asked about training.
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Postby dreab trawets » Fri Dec 19, 2008 2:55 pm

Miss Beatrice, The church organist,
Was in her eighties, and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.
She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old organ, The young minister noticed a cute glass bowl sitting on top of it.
The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, a condom!
When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.
The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity
About the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.
'Miss Beatrice', he said, 'I wonder if you would tell me about this?' Pointing to the bowl.
'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through
The Park a few months ago
And I found this little package on the ground. the directions said
To place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease.
Do you know I haven't had the flu All winter.'
“After my head has been chopped off, will I still be able to hear, at least for a moment , the sound of my own blood gushing from my neck? That would be the best pleasure to end all pleasure. “
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Postby Hydebound » Sun Jan 04, 2009 6:57 am

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Postby dreab trawets » Wed Jan 14, 2009 6:28 pm

A young blonde Portsmouth girl, down on her luck, decided to end it all one night by casting herself into the cold, dark waters off Gunwharf Quay.

As she stood on the edge, pondering the infinite, a young sailor noticed her as he strolled by. 'You're not thinking of jumping, are you babes?' he asked.
'Yes, I am.' replied the sobbing girl.
Putting his arm around her, the kind sailor coaxed her back from the edge. 'Look, nothing's worth that. I'll tell you what - I'm sailing off for Australia tomorrow. Why don't you stow away on board and start a new life over there ? I'll set you up in one of the lifeboats on the deck, bring you food and water every night and I'll look after you, if you look after me if you know what I mean. You just have to keep very quiet so that you won't be found.'
The girl, having no better prospects, agreed, and the sailor sneaked her on board that very night.
For the next 3 weeks the sailor came to her lifeboat every night, bringing food and water, and making love to her until dawn.
Then, during the fourth week, the captain was performing a routine inspection of the ship and its lifeboats. He peeled back the cover to find the startled blonde, and demanded an explanation.
The girl came clean, 'I've stowed away to get to Australia. One of the sailors is helping me out. He set me up in here and brings me food and water every night and he's screwing me.'
The captain stared at her for a moment before replying 'He certainly is, love. This is the Isle of Wight Ferry.'
“After my head has been chopped off, will I still be able to hear, at least for a moment , the sound of my own blood gushing from my neck? That would be the best pleasure to end all pleasure. “
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Postby dreab trawets » Tue Jan 27, 2009 9:43 pm

GROAN IF YOU WANT AT THE END....

Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know each other so well,
they decided to get married.
One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other the groom broom.
The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress.
The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo.
The wedding was lovely.
After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom-broom,
'I think I am going to have a little broom!'
'IMPOSSIBLE !' said the groom broom.
We haven’t even swept together

And later on that year they separated, as she had been sweeping around
“After my head has been chopped off, will I still be able to hear, at least for a moment , the sound of my own blood gushing from my neck? That would be the best pleasure to end all pleasure. “
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Postby Hydebound » Tue Jan 27, 2009 11:52 pm

This is the last STRAW. That joke will FLOOR anyone would has had a BRUSH with divorce. Others might BRISTLE as well.
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Postby EZ Rhino » Mon Feb 09, 2009 5:06 pm

A lone man rides into town and walks into the saloon. It's completely deserted, except for the bartender.
Asks the bartender, "Where's everyone at in this town?"
Bartender says, "There's a hanging."
Man asks, "Who's being hanged?"
"It's Paper Bag Jones. An unusual fellow. Doesn't wear any clothes, just paper bags cut up and tied together."
"Well, that does sound odd. What's he being hanged for?"
Bartender says, "Rustlin'."
I wish the media would report more on public service and charity news instead of gossip. It is of much greater value. - Jackie Chan
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Postby Mbwun » Tue Feb 24, 2009 9:04 pm

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down for the night, and went to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?" Watson pondered for a minute.

"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.
Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.
Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, I supect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.

What does it tell you?"

Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you dickhead.
Some bastard has stolen our tent."
How hard can it be? - Jeremy Clarkson
Make no mistake, this is a Supercar. Looks good .. goes fast .. nothing else matters. - Jeremy Clarkson

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Postby WaywardSoul » Thu May 07, 2009 2:51 pm

Terminology to avoid arguing with a woman

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' . That will bring on a 'whatever').

(8) Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying F@#$ YOU!

(9) Don't Worry About It, I Got It: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.
"Remember, there's a big difference between kneeling down and bending over." - Frank Zappa
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Postby dreab trawets » Thu May 07, 2009 3:05 pm

oh the above is so true.....
Nice one Mr Soul...

now my turn to untangle the female of the species....

NICKNAMES
If Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose. If Mike, Charlie, Bob and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Pecker and Schmucko.

EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Charlie, Bob and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want some change back. The girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.

BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: toothpaste, toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.; The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337.No man will be able to identify most of these items.

ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

CATS
Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

THE FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting she won't change and she does.

DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail. A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware
of short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Every married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing, is there?
“After my head has been chopped off, will I still be able to hear, at least for a moment , the sound of my own blood gushing from my neck? That would be the best pleasure to end all pleasure. “
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Postby WaywardSoul » Fri May 08, 2009 6:03 pm

A man is walking though Greenwich Village and he passes a bar and hears this incredible piano music.

He walks in and there is a bartender and one customer at the bar. He looks a bit more closely and sees what appears to be a tiny man about the size of an old GI Joe action figure playing an equally tiny grand piano. He can't believe his eyes, but the little guy is an incredible musician. He listens until the playing stops and then he asks the customer who the little guy is with.

The customer says, "He's with me."

The man asks where he got him.

The customer points to an old Arabic oil lamp sitting on the bar and tells the guy that he found the lamp in a junk shop and when he tried to polish it up, out popped a genie who said that he would grant him a wish.

The guy asks if he can try.

The customer says yes and the guy rubs the lamp and, sure enough, out pops a genie who says that he will grant him a wish. The guy thinks for a bit and says "I want a million bucks!"
All of a sudden, the bar, the sidewalk outside and the entire block are covered with what appears to be a million white Peking ducks.

The guy says, "Is that freakin' genie deaf?!?!? I asked for a million bucks and he gave me a million DUCKS!!!"

The customer smiled and said, "Did you really think that I wished for a 12 inch PIANIST?"
"Remember, there's a big difference between kneeling down and bending over." - Frank Zappa
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Postby dreab trawets » Tue Jun 02, 2009 6:43 pm

Stick with it...

Far, far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea - one was called Justin and the other called Christian.
The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area.


Finally, one day, Justin said to Christian, "I'm fed up with being a prawn; I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten."
A large, mysterious cod appeared and said, "Your wish is granted." Lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark.
Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.

Time passed (as it does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely.
All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them.
Justin didn't realize that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.

While swimming alone one day, he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn.

He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn.
With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes, Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail.

(The punch line does not involve a prawn cocktail - it's much worse).

Looking around the gathering at the reef, he realized he couldn't see his old pal. "Where's Christian?" he asked.
"He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy and became a shark," came the reply.

Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's abode.
As he opened the coral gate, memories came flooding back.
He banged on the door and shouted, "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again."

Christian replied, "No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner."

Justin cried back, "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed.........."
"I've found Cod. I'm a Prawn again Christian!"
“After my head has been chopped off, will I still be able to hear, at least for a moment , the sound of my own blood gushing from my neck? That would be the best pleasure to end all pleasure. “
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Postby Mbwun » Tue Jun 02, 2009 7:21 pm

*** groan ***

Thanks for the groaner of a joke though. I've now sent it to the guy who handles my extremely meagre RRSP portfolio. He's always sending me stuff like this - time to get him back. :twisted:
How hard can it be? - Jeremy Clarkson
Make no mistake, this is a Supercar. Looks good .. goes fast .. nothing else matters. - Jeremy Clarkson

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