Joke thread!

Polls, funny pictures, jokes, must-see websites, personal announcements, you name it...

Postby EZ Rhino » Sat Dec 18, 2010 4:04 am

Two english ladies were discussing their vacation plans on a London street corner near an irish lady.

"We're planning a lovely holiday in Devon this year," said one.

"Oh you oughtn't to do that," said the other, "there are Irish there! It would be awful."

"Dear me!" said the first lady. "Well where are you going?"

"Salisbury," she replied.

"But Salisbury is simply crawling with Irish!" the first objected.

At this point the Irish lady could no longer hold her tongue. "Why don't ye go t' hell," she suggested. "There be no Irish there!"
I wish the media would report more on public service and charity news instead of gossip. It is of much greater value. - Jackie Chan
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Postby dreab trawets » Tue Jan 25, 2011 8:54 pm

Should be ruled under bad taste joke...

I met a beautiful woman whilst walking in the park today, there was an instant spark between us, she immediately fell to the floor I undressed her and made mad passionate love to her for hours, after as I lay there smoking my after shag ciggie I thought to myself "that tazer really was value for money"
“After my head has been chopped off, will I still be able to hear, at least for a moment , the sound of my own blood gushing from my neck? That would be the best pleasure to end all pleasure. “
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Postby i.am.sladist » Fri Feb 11, 2011 4:18 am

I just had to share this one- it made me giggle!!!

A mother was concerned about her kindergarten son walking to school. He didn't want his mother to walk with him. She wanted to give him the feeling that he had some independence but yet know that he was safe. So she had an idea of how to handle it.

She asked a neighbor if she would please follow him to school in the mornings, staying at a distance so he probably wouldn't notice her. She said that since she was up early with her toddler anyway it would be a good way for them to get some exercise as well, so she agreed.

The next school day the neighbor and her little girl set out following behind Timmy as he walked to school with another neighbor girl he knew. She did this for the whole week. As the two walked and chatted, kicking stones and twigs, Timmy's little friend noticed the same lady was following them as she seemed to do every day all week.

Finally she said to Timmy,'Have you noticed that lady following us to school all week? Do you know her?'

Timmy nonchalantly replied, 'Yeah, I know who she is.' The little girl said, 'Well, who is she?'

'That's just Shirley Goodnest,' Timmy replied, 'and her daughter Marcy.'

'Shirley Goodnest? Who the heck is she and why is she following us?

'Well,' Timmy explained, 'every night my Mum makes me say the 23rd Psalm with my prayers, 'cuz she worries about me so much. And in the Psalm, it says, 'Shirley Goodnest and Marcy shall follow me all the days of my life',so I guess I'll just have to get used to it!'

The Lord bless you and keep you; the Lord make His face to shine upon you, and be gracious unto you; the Lord lift His countenance upon you, and give you peace.
May Shirley Goodnest and Marcy be with you today and always.
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I am Woman.
I am Sladist.
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Postby Mbwun » Fri Apr 15, 2011 3:19 pm

A pretty little girl named Suzy was standing on the sidewalk in front of her home. Next to her was a basket containing a number of tiny creatures; in her hand was a sign announcing FREE KITTENS.

Suddenly a line of big black cars pulled up beside her. Out of the lead car stepped a tall, grinning man.

"Hi there little girl, I'm Mr. Ignatieff. What do you have in the basket?" he asked.

"Kittens," little Suzy said.

"How old are they?" asked Ignatieff
Suzy replied, "They're so young, their eyes aren't even open yet."

"And what kind of kittens are they?"

"Liberals," answered Suzy with a smile.

Ignatieff was delighted. As soon as he returned to his car, he called his PR chief and told him about the little girl and the kittens.

Recognizing the perfect photo op, the two men agreed that Mr Ignatieff should return the next day; and in front of the assembled media, have the girl talk about her discerning kittens.

So the next day, Suzy was again standing on the sidewalk with her basket of "FREE KITTENS," when another motorcade pulled up, this time followed by vans from CBC, CTV, and CNN.

Cameras and audio equipment were quickly set up, then Ignatieff got out of his limo and walked over to little Suzy.

"Hello, again," he said, "I'd love it if you would tell all my friends out there what kind of kittens you're giving away."

"Yes sir," Suzy said. "They're CONSERVATIVES.."

Taken by surprise, Mr. Ignatieff stammered, "But... but... yesterday, you told me they were LIBERALS."

Little Suzy smiled and said, "I know. But today, they have their eyes open."
How hard can it be? - Jeremy Clarkson
Make no mistake, this is a Supercar. Looks good .. goes fast .. nothing else matters. - Jeremy Clarkson

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Postby Mbwun » Wed Feb 01, 2012 5:22 pm

This joke courtesy of the latest Steve Alten newsletter:

A Scot was drinking in a bar in London when he gets a call on his cell phone. He orders drinks for everybody in the bar as he announces his wife has just produced a typical Scottish baby boy weighing 25 pounds. Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the man just shrugs, "That's about average up our way, folks...like I said - my boy's a typical Highland baby boy."

Two weeks later the man returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say, you're the father of that typical Scottish baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth, aren't you? Everybody's been making' bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. So how much does he weigh now? The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds." The bartender is puzzled and concerned. "What happened"? He was 25 pounds the day he was born."

The father takes a slow swig from his Johnny Walker Whisky, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says, "Had him circumcised." God Bless The Scots !
How hard can it be? - Jeremy Clarkson
Make no mistake, this is a Supercar. Looks good .. goes fast .. nothing else matters. - Jeremy Clarkson

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Re: Joke thread!

Postby Slade » Wed Jul 18, 2012 5:21 pm

Grandma is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car.

She writes: Dear Grand-daughter,

The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a 'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker ..

I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting..

So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.

Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed.

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed.

It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed.

I found that lots of people love Jesus!

While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, 'For the love of God!'

'Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!'

What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!

Everyone started honking!

I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people.

I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!

There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach..

I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air.

I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant.

He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.

Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back.

My grandson burst out laughing.

Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.

I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.

So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on through the intersection.

I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared.

So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!!

Will write again soon,

Love, Grandma
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Re: Joke thread!

Postby Tautriadelta » Wed Aug 29, 2012 4:15 pm

THIS one is a lil dirty..only a lil ^^
Mick and Paul fancied a pint or two but didn’t have a lot of money. All together they had a staggering 50 cents between them.

Mick said ’Hang on I have got an idea’ - he went next door to the butchers shop and came out with one large sausage.

Paul: ’Are you crazy? Now we haven’t got any money left at all’

Mick: ’Don’t worry - just follow me’ - and went into the next pub where he immediately ordered two pints and two large Vodka and tonic.

Paul: ’Now you have lost it - do you know how much trouble we will be in - we haven’t got any money!!’

Mick: ’Don’t’ worry - I have got a plan - Cheers’ So they had their drinks.

Mick said ’OK, I will now stick the sausage through my zipper - you will go on your knees and put it in your mouth. Said and done - the landlord noticed it - went berserk and threw them out.

They continued this, pub after pub after pub after pub, getting more and more drunk - all for free.

At the 10th pub Paul said ’ Mate - I don’t think I can continue this any longer - I am soooooooo drunk and my knees are killing me!

Mick: ’How do you think I feel - I lost the sausage in the 3rd pub’

ok 2 for 1
Upon seeing an elderly lady for the drafting of her will, the attorney charged her $100.

She gave him a $100 bill, not noticing that it was stuck to another $100 bill.

On seeing the two bills stuck together, the ethical question came to the attorney's mind: 'Do I tell my partner?'

hun hun
Land of our birth,we pledge to thee
Our love and toil in the years to be;
When we are grown and take our place
As men and women of our race.
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Re: Joke thread!

Postby dreab trawets » Wed Nov 21, 2012 12:13 am

Him: Women are strange... You can be sad and happy at the same time.
Me: Well, so can men
Him: Impossible! Tell me something that would make me happy and sad at the same time.
Me: Of all your friends, you got the biggest one.

Thank you Miss Lafrance on Facebook for the joke.
“After my head has been chopped off, will I still be able to hear, at least for a moment , the sound of my own blood gushing from my neck? That would be the best pleasure to end all pleasure. “
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Re: Joke thread!

Postby Mbwun » Wed Nov 21, 2012 11:21 pm

There were 3 moles ... a papa mole, a mama mole, and a baby mole. They all lived on a farm. One morning, the papa mole stuck his head out of the mole hole and said, "Oooooooh, I smell bacon!" The mama mole wanted to smell it too, so she stuck her head out of the mole hole. "Oooooooh, I smell eggs!" Baby mole wanted to smell this too, but there wasn't enough room for his head to fit out of the hole. "All I smell is mole-asses."
How hard can it be? - Jeremy Clarkson
Make no mistake, this is a Supercar. Looks good .. goes fast .. nothing else matters. - Jeremy Clarkson

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AMBITIOUS, BUT RUBBISH!
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Re: Joke thread!

Postby Mbwun » Wed Dec 12, 2012 6:19 pm

An old man in Dryden calls up his son in Toronto and says, "Listen, your mother and I are getting divorced. Forty-five years of misery is enough."

"Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

“We can't stand the sight of each other...any longer,” he says. "I'm sick of her face, and I'm sick of talking about this, so call your sister in Vancouver and tell her," and he hangs up.

Now, the son is worried. So he calls up his sister. She says, "Like hell they’re getting divorced!" and calls her father immediately. "You’re not getting divorced! Don't do another thing, the two of us are flying home tomorrow to talk about this. Until then, don't call a lawyer, don't file a paper, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and she hangs up.

The old man turns to his wife and says "Okay, they’re coming for Christmas and paying their own airfares."
How hard can it be? - Jeremy Clarkson
Make no mistake, this is a Supercar. Looks good .. goes fast .. nothing else matters. - Jeremy Clarkson

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AMBITIOUS, BUT RUBBISH!
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